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I Am Kinda Gay, Aren’t I?

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It all started thinking about Prince Naveen (from Disney’s The Princess and the Frog). He might be my favorite Disney character EVER (which is amazing since he is a MAN). The reasons: he loves jazz, he’s handsome & he loves Tiana like whoa. The middle one is the only one applying right now.

Of all the Disney males I DO find Naveen the most appealing/attractive/handsome/…? what have you. Many people feel this way as well only…well, many of them seem…to have a particular implication in their words that I don’t. I do think Naveen is very attractive (for an animated character, yes, yes, pencil drawings) but, if he was somehow real or I was somehow 2D (scary!!), I would never want to be with him. Ew. This is presupposing a pre-movie Naveen, of course. Mostly I’d just want to hang with him listening to jazz.  He’s attractive, just not sexually. Well duh he’s a cartoon but I made a jump.

 

See this Naveen realization applies to REAL men too. Yes, I can find them attractive, yes but it ends there. My attraction never goes beyond the chest (my heart). I can fall in love with men I just don’t want to sleep with them. Mostly, though, my acknowledgement of male beauty is all on the mental plane; that is intellectual.  I see, agree, acknowledge but rarely feel anything. The feelings only come with personal connections because once you love someone they’re beautiful to you, yes? But I never (except once—but that is the exception) feel anything below…er let’s just say in the “lower regions”. To be crude I don’t want to “do” men (or they me? I don’t know). Men are attractive but they’re not that attractive. Men are like art: you appreciate it but you don’t want to be intimately involved with it.

See this is important for me to realize because I’ve been wondering if I’m gay or just going through a phase. Most of my life I’ve been straight. I’ve like men, I’ve fallen in love with them. Men are like art: you appreciate it but you don’t want to be intimately involved with it.

See this is important for me to realize because I’ve been wondering if I’m gay or just going through a phase. Most of my life I’ve been straight. I’ve like men, I’ve fallen in love with them. I thought I didn’t sleep with them because I was “ready”. Turns out I’ll never be “ready”. Male bodies in a sexual context give me the wiles (those I got the impression from my mom—yes we have interesting discussions—that one is not suppose to find the opposite sex appealing physically…). So, I don’t want to have sex with men. But I can love them. What’s up with that? 

The thing is: its soooooo much EASIER to love men. It’s like the whole world is saying “hetero, hetero”. Particularly everything screams it. One has to go out of one’s way to find gayness. It’s like how white people are the default…straight-ness is kinda like that. So of course it’s EASIER to just go with that flow. Never mind that you probably won’t be completely fulfilled. You’ll be okay, you’ll be happy…right? I don’t know. All I know is that it’s easier with men. But I don’t really want men.

I like men; I love men…just not sexually, not physically. It’s intellectual, it’s friendship, its romance, and it’s everything except that one thing. I can even find men attractive (Naveen & various actual men from my life are examples of this) but I don’t want to do anything about it. I mean other than hang with them, be their friend, love them—all very platonic, deep & emotional (kinda like a romantic friendship). I can definitely love men but not in a certain way straight people mean.

Am I making any sense? I don’t think so. I can love men & find them attractive but I wouldn’t want physical intimacies with one. Does that make sense? You can have a deep emotional relationship without it being sexual, yes? I think maybe, when I was younger, I got the concept of LOVE very narrowed. You can LOVE lots of people, all different, all deeply emotional, and all wonderful.

I suppose it goes without saying that women do have a sexual component for me. Let’s just say the first time I romantically held hands with a woman was one of the most thrilling events of my life. Not to mention I was, like, 10 and worrying I like women… I mean it’s kinda obvious in retrospect but most things are, yes?

So the Naveen thing was important because it helped me realize I can find men attractive without sexual urges. I can be gay and still find men attractive. Somehow. So yay.

 



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